My man… Its been a year since you shot yourself on iChat… It’s been a year and a day the last time i saw you and we hung out. We got in our fights, but we had more laughter…Everyone loves you, you were, are and will ALWAYS be a legend here and for anyones hearts you touched. I think about you every single day… i get flashbacks of your dad crying in my arms at your funeral, him shaking when i whispered in his ear while hugging, “He loved you… he really did, i don’t care if you guys got in fights,had hard times, or even if he said he hated you because at the end of the day he loved you & you did a great job even if you didn’t think so, dont blame yourself.” I remember that so vividly… I always check in with your dad.. he misses you, he misses you SO bad whether you believe it or not. While i had a facebook i remember posting, “Hey Mr.Ferrara! I hope your smiling! That was written on August 30th at 11:24pm and he responded back saying, “I wasn’t until i read this” 

Joey, please visit your Dad in his dreams, talk to him, give him a hug, and comfort him. Comfort all of us that still mourn and struggle with your death… Unfortunately most of us in this town have dealt with a lot of suicide but this one was the hardest, it even beats the one i witnessed. Everyone loves you, i wish you felt that love. I wish i got a kiss or hug back when i kissed your casket goodbye… but i will someday. You are all of our guardian angel. I dream about you, and the pain you caused us, but i forgave you.. we all do. I hope you know that. We bonded over a lot especially when we self harmed, and shared that in common, but i stopped, and i will continue to stop, because you wanted me to stop, and i have. I do it for you. I know you’d be proud.

I love you, and i miss your more than anything and i dont think ive ever cried so much in my whole life than i have this past year. I know Heaven is treating you well, and that i have nothing to worry about, and i hope your happy, i wish you didn’t make the choice you made but if your happy, i’m okay. Love you my man. Always and forever <3  See us soon, keep watching over us and we’ll keep wearing purple.

Dear best friend Well actually 

Well, Obviously you have made it clear that we aren’t best friends anymore, not even friends, nor acquaintances, just some familiar strangers almost. Strangers that spent over a decade of time together, which consisted of rare ups and downs, but mostly laughs that brought us to tears. We were a pair. Everyone knew that, teachers, strangers, and everyone around us. I even lived at your house when my mom was in the hospital. If any of you know me personally, you all know who i’m talking about. 

I’m just writing to vent all the feelings i have about this, guilt, depressed, angry, confused and at times indecisive. When i was on twitter i saw you on my timeline, noticed you had a new picture up, so i clicked on it. It’s a prom picture which is normal considering every girl from my former school has prom pictures of themselves and their friends on every social networking website known to man. This is when i could not be in denial any longer. I saw how happy you were and how beautiful you looked and it just flashed back to our 8th grade promotion picture the only difference is i’m not there. I’ve tried to get a hold of you, but when i never got any response, i always tried to convince myself that your phone is dead or your busy but with the countless tweets, messages, and texts its finally clear to me that you are deliberately ignoring me. Its been about 2 years probably that we last hung out, i wish i would have known that was my last time seeing you and being your friend.

When i was bedridden for sophomore year, i really could have used a friend, a visit or 2 or at least a phone call, but nothing. My dad had cancer the past year and just got treated recently and as you know mom is still sick, it would have been nice if you responded or messaged back but i understand your busy or if i’m not worth the time.

I want to take this time to say sorry. I don’t know what i did wrong to make you feel the need to throw away a decade full of laughs, pictures, texts,phone calls, classes,recess’s, biking, trick or treating, singing stupid songs, watching hours of south park and family guy, getting burnt to hell by the lake, playing in the snow when i had no snow gear because it was my first time seeing snow,walking everywhere, running after school, lounging by the pool, making videos, stupid dance moves, cheer clinics, sleepovers, civil war reenactments, watching gone with the wind, me sitting in the pouring rain in jeans and a sweater at your lax practice, stupid service assignments,wii fit games, just everything.

I don’t know what i did, but i’m sorry. I’m sorry if you felt i neglected you, didn’t appreciate you, didn’t stick up for you enough, or anything. I’m sorry if i ever hurt your feelings it was never intentional. I’m sorry if i was annoying or clingy, i’m sorry…

Thank you for opening your home, your family, your happiness, your friends, and thanks for allowing me to be apart of your life at all. I hope one day you remember me, i hope you remember me now, i hope you enjoyed our times, i know i did. I hope you look back in smile, you deserve the world and i know you will get it, you’ve always been a go getter. I hope life doesn’t throw you to many curveballs, i hope you never have to go through pain, and i hope at the end of the day your content. That’s all i ever want. If you ever need me, which you obviously wont, I will stilll be here, you know where to find me. 

With the best of wishes, 

Alyssa or AlyJane, which you came up with in 6th grade, ha. 

Good luck in wherever life takes you. <3

Please pray for the shooting at our local Oakland private Christian College that happened this morning, AP reported 5 fatalities. Hoping no one i know of were involved.

but also

Please Pray for the bay area as many tragedies has happened in the past few weeks like the kidnapping of Sierra LaMar which she still hasn’t been found.